🚨Trigger warning 🚨 Mentions of unaliving.

Bonjour mes amies! There are chapters of my life I never wanted to revisit. Yesterday during a beautiful dinner with laughter, love, and champagne, things turned dark.

A simple mention of the beautiful time I lived in Turkey brought back ugly memories.

During that time, my life appeared to be perfect. I was snatched (lol), young, and living abroad in a country that adored me for simply being born “this way.”

I would randomly post pictures on MySpace of lavish dinners on the Bosphorus, private tours of Hagia Sophia, and luxury gifts from suitors.

One night after a private dinner with a very public man, I asked to walk back to my apartment versus being driven by the driver.

On that walk home, I felt the courage to finally do something I’d contemplated since I was an adolescent.

I felt so at peace with my decision because I would finally be free. Free from the hurt, shame, and disappointment that I carried every minute of every day.

As I approached my apartment, I saw his car. The back window rolled down and “He” said three words that pierced my soul, “Not today kid.”

I got in the car, and he gave me something that’s now legal in most states. In a cloudy haze, we rode around Istanbul until sunrise.

I looked at him and asked, “Is there anything more beautiful than a sunrise?”, to which he replied, “Yes, seeing you smile with such sadness in your eyes.”

I never asked what made him come to check on me after I insisted on walking home and he never asked me why I was so sad. We had an understanding that was unspoken.

Every day is a struggle for me. While I go to great lengths to bring joy, humor, and wholeness to those I love, I haven’t fully mastered the art of doing that for myself.

I’ve built a brand based on luxury but I know now that me being alive is a luxury that money cannot buy.

I’m ready to share my continued journey with mental health.

Stay tuned for upcoming speaking engagements.

Ciao for now 💋